Tennessee.

I'm angry today. I feel like he is leaving me. I feel like it may as well be over. I tried to talk to him yesterday.. about me going with him and weighing out the pros/cons. I wanted to tell him that I want to go sooner than January, that my heart is breaking thinking about trying to survive emotionally without him here. He brushed me off. Said "Well, its simple, get a job" Suprisingly, I actually bit my tongue. Something I havent had the control to do in a while. I wanted to tell him to get a damn job.. if got a job then we wouldnt be in this situation. Maybe I am just selfish, but I feel like he always get the good stuff.. the rewards.. the flexibility. He is leaving CSU because its not a good enough school, wtf? He's lucky enough to get to go to college at all.. let alone to pursure a masters degree! Here I am, a mental slave to my job. I work 40+ hours a week sometimes. I am tired. I've supported our family and make sure that he has an opportunity to complete his Masters degree.. And now he's moving across the country because Fresno State isnt good enough. Here I am left. Consumed not only with the stress of my job, but being an only parent to Gavin, bills, the house.. everything. I dont feel planted here. I feel like he's my only friend.. and now that he's leaving I'll really be alone. And he asks me whats wrong? When the topic of him leaving first came about it was a "Hell no, not without my family" Now the not without you has turned into a come if you get a job here.. I just dont get it. I told him before It's fine, I will get through him being gone and be a support system to him too while he's there I just want the guarantee to go with him at the end of the year. I dont know what is going to happen and I really dont know what to do. I feel like if I ask him not to go he'll blame me when he realizes the expirence he could have got there.. and If I support it, I'm setting myself up.

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I just want to scream. I am so exhausted of always overextending myself and getting shafted in return. It's a pretty crappy feeling when you get treated like dirt by people you live your life for.
And, even though I've been treated badly I still feel bad for being mad at them. My sister should be so appreciative of me for all I do for her. I dont expect her to kiss the ground I walk on or repay me in anyway all I ask if for her respect and I mean she can at least be pleasent.. Instead, I always get the grunt of her teenage attitude. I would have LOVED to have a sister like me! WTF? It makes me not want to care. I bend over backwards everyday, exhausting myself for everyone in my household and lately I really feel like it all goes unnoticed. I work 40+ hours a week, come home and clean every night otherwise it will look like a dump because no one else will lift a finger, make dinner, and do it all again the next day. I always have eveyones back but no one even looks twice my way.

Couch to 5k

I looked forward to my run all day today, I wish I wasn't so lazy in the mornings and could wake up early and run first thing I can imagine that I would feel so good throughout the day. It just doesn't happen for me, as much as I wish I was I am just not a morning person. So, today was Day 2 of my Week 3 training. I got off my treadmill today a little discouraged, but I did FINISH! So sad but the 3 minute interval just literally kicks my ass. The first rep got difficult around the 2 minute mark and the last rep got difficult at the 90 sec mark. One encouraging thing is how easy the 90 second run is. I remember when I struggled with that! I'm really hoping 3 minutes will be like that soon, but at the same time it just seems like a huge jump. I am really contemplative during my last recovery as to repeat week 3 or just move on to week 4 since I am finishing. I don't know how hard it's supposed to be to repeat a week? I did find a website today created as a recourse for other crazy runner to be's like myself. Consistent advise from people who have finished the 5k said as long as your finishing to keep going with the weeks. I am just determined to do this thoroughly, I have never been so committed as I am to this. So, I will happily repeat weeks if need be. We'll see. Saturday or Sunday I will do the last day of week 3 and make a decision at that point.

BTW I really want some new running shoes. I didn't want to go out and buy myself all the running gear until I proved to myself I was committed. At mid week 2 I bought a zune, I don't know how I went this long without one. (ahahaha) So, I think I'm ready for some new shoes. I'd say I earned them. There's no not finishing this for me, it's just not an option.

We're getting there!

This year is going to be a good year for our family. I'm so excited. Chase and I have been talking alot about different little changes we can make to improve our life. (In no particular order)

• Getting Gavin on a very consistent schedule.
• Save money/Spend less
• Live Healthier lifestyles

SO here's some quick progress:

Who would have thought... Basically, we started noticing when Gavin went to bed at 10:00 with us it was murder getting him up in the mornings. (Don't get me wrong it was so cute hearing my 3 year old ask for 5 more minutes) One day he fell asleep early at like 8 and actually woke us up the next morning full of smiles. I think that's when it hit us. Duh? So we've worked VERY HARD and I think we've finally succeed! Since the beginning of the year he's been in the bath every night by 7 :30, Bed time story, and then asleep by 8:30, IN HIS OWN BED. The mornings have been really nice. We're all up at about 7, we eat breakfast together, and spend a nice 30 minutes together... Last night Gavin asked me what we were going to do tomorrow right before I turned off his light. I told him "Well we're going to wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed, go to school, come home, play, eat dinner, take a bath, and go to bed again!" He smiled. It made me feel good I think he enjoys the consistency too.

We've decided in order to start saving a little bit of money to be more organized with our meals. So, Sunday Chase and I sat down together and planned all of our weekly meals (Including Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner). This was so fun. It's nice because we tend to like different food, Chase loves lots of meat.. I'd be a vegetarian if he'd let me.. After we were done we went shopping and actually only spent $69.00 at Winco and then $25.00 at Save mart. I don't do produce anywhere but Save mart.. I feel like if I buy produce any where else that its going to go bad the next day. So far, its been great. We haven't had to make any after work stops at Save Mart and we're eating earlier and healthier. Today was day 3 of our very planned meals I made a vegetarian stir fry, it was awesome.. Chase loved it. I will definitely keep this recipe. He actually asked if there was any left overs to put in his lunch tomorrow. Which is another thing we're doing. Making sure our lunches for the next day are pre made the night before. I'm determined to stick to this!

Tonight I started my week 3 training. It kicked my ass to say in nice words. It was shorter then my previous workouts I finished at 22 minutes. I was really anxious for this week because I went from jogging (wk 2) 90 sec increments to (wk 3) 3 minutes. The first rep went well but the last 3 minute jog was hard. I literally had to blow out my ear drums with my zune. I feel accomplished that I finished. I'm jogging at 4.8 mph now. I started at 3.0. I see improvement, but wish I seen more change on the scale. I know that will come and I know that loosing weight cannot be my motivation for doing this. I had Chase hide the scale before I get too discouraged. I feel good... can't wait until I'm running 3 miles instead of 3 minutes. hahaha.

Resolutions

SO I havent wrote here in a while. Its hard for me to really write when things are going well for me. I usually have to have something dwelling in my mind to really sit and put it down somewhere. Right now I actually do have alot to say, but I should limit this entry to my main consuming thoughts. The fitting title for this is definitly New Years Resolutions. I think that New Years Resolutions very important and I started to think about what mine would be in Novemeber.

I felt like before I had Gavin I such a huge sense of self. I knew exactly who Britney was and who Britney would be. The funny thing is that when I was pregnant with him I promised myself that I wouldnt loose myself no matter how different my life became once he was here. I always saw all these frumpy moms shopping in walmart talking in baby jibber to their 6 month old and would shake my head thinking that will NEVER be me! Well here I am. I am now the frumpy mom. It's time for me again.

Ok so New Years Resolution # 1

I would be an idiot if I didnt take advantage of my new repaired heart and become active again. I've decided to take the small time it takes everyday and get back into shape. These past two years have been health HELL for me. I'd also made several attempts to become active again but failed fastly everytime. SO I've decided to become a runner. Cheesy right? I've always thought this would be impossible with the way just jogging a short distance would throughly tire me out for the rest of the day after my attempt. I have an entire schedule written up for the next 8 weeks and at the end I'm supposed to be running 3 miles a day. I've waited to advertise this until I've made some progress on it and here I am, tomorrow I will finish week 2 of my training! I'm so happy. I cant believe it. I'm running 2 minutes at a time now. This is really a big accompishment for me. I actually look forward to my sessions which is unbelieveable and seriously cannot wait until I reach my final goal.

Resloution # 2

"Life is what you make it" Ok, Easier said than actually realizing it but this little quote is so very true once you start thinking about it. Look at whats holding you back from being the best you that you can be. YOU determine the outcomes you get in life. Bottom line the major influence in your life is YOU, YOU control your actions, YOU control your attitude and you control what happends and what doesnt happen within your life. I'm sick of all the "I'm sick of's" on my life. I'm done. I'm going to do what makes me truly happy, no more complaining. (Just dont tell Chase lol he'll just love this) But really.. I'm going to make the best life possible for myself and my family. So these little upsets and shitty situtaions are either going to be eliminated or made the best of. Life is good, when you let it be.

Follow Up Appointment

Today I had my follow up appointment with my surgeon... I had to go to the hospital to get some x rays done before I saw him and just walking into the room where you have the x ray done gave me so much anxiety. The room was dark with the x ray bed in the middle and it just brought back so many memories and feelings from my surgery. I remembered how I felt when I was laying there and had all these people around me sticking me with needles left and right. I remembered this one nurse that was there with me while the anestesiologist was administering the medication, she was talking to me asking me all of these random questions. I started to get really frusterated with her because I just wanted it to be quiet so I could pray.. Then I started to understand that she was just trying to make me feel comfortable or just calm me down because at that time I was starting to breath pretty heavily. Ugh. I guess all in all my surgery went well, the worst was waiting for it to happen, being in the operating room waiting for the medication to take effect, and then waking up after the surgery. As much as I'm thankful that it went well I just dont ever want to have surgery again. Then guess what, after my surgeon looked at my x rays today I guess my sternum (breast bone) shifted somehow during my recovery which loosed the steel wiring thats supposed to hold my sternum together... He has to go back in and fix this asap.. which is Thursday. UGH. How am I going to go through this again? I KNOW it wont be near as bad as my open heart surgery but I still do not want to go back into an operating room. He's got to put me under again because he doesnt know how deep he'll have to go in until he opens me up. I can't believe this.